Ding Dong...

So I found out yesterday that my grandmother is dying - please don't feel sorry for this loss in the family.  And as callous that may sound when you read the following blog you will understand why this is not a loss - but a door that is closing for our family and our time to finally heal.

My grandmother as a child seemed normal - like any grandmother I guess I could expect.  She rocked up for birthdays, was there for Christmas' and other events.  I spent time at my grandparents house on school holidays and I seemed to have what was a normal relationship.  My parents never stopped that relationship and honestly I understand why when I became for observant why they never stopped it.

Looking back now I can see what sort of horrible woman she really was - and overtime I think more and more it was never her making the effort but my grandfather.  My granddad was a loving man - he would take me to the footy, pick me up from school, take me out for outings to the beach and honestly was always there when I needed him.  He passed away before we had children - and I still wish to this day he got to meet all 3 of our children because I can honestly say he would've adored them for who they were.

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As a young girl (and we have touched how much I hated my body and what it looked like and I felt ashamed of my size).  Whilst my grandmother never made direct comments based on my weight as a young child I now look back and realise it was her actions that made her obviously uncomfortable with who I was and what I looked like.  She would always comment on my hairstyle, making sure she would change it to suit what she thought was more acceptable.  Clothes I wore she would alter without my mums knowledge - bearing in mind these clothes were all handmade by my mum.  As I got older the comments would start.  Only small ones - but comments like puppy fat, baby fat, growing into your body.  I would get sly comments about my weight here or there.  As a young teenager we all know how much we take those comments to heart.  I was always a bit more plump and yes eventually I did grow into my body but for her it was never good enough - I needed to be that little bit slimmer.

I remember being there at my grandfathers funeral and her comments were "Tamara, do you really need to eat that?"

Whilst at this age I was married and a little more stronger that comment still stings.  All those comments sting. 

That apparently I was so big I was unlovable - it's not something you want to hear during the hardest parts of you developing life.

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My grandmother loved boys - in fact she preferred boys to girls and it became more and more apparent as I grew older.  I have two cousins - girls - the last time I saw them I would've been 22 - at  my grandfathers funeral if I walked past them in a shop I wouldn't even know who they were...  they were always more athletic and more socially acceptable when it came to size, but I know they would of wondered what the hell they did wrong to have a grandmother who couldn't give a shit about them.  Us 3 were always the forgotten souls of the grandchildren - my brother whilst wasn't treated much different to me I suspect is lucky he was a boy.  He was chosen for holidays, outings, lunches and other things here and there.  Memories stick with me and I still remember tagging along to sizzler for lunch with my grandparents and brother only because I asked if I could go, I wasn't invited.  My grandmother almost sighed in disappointment I was going. 
I did get to go to one family reunion as a young girl with my grandparents - but I was shoved off to family I didn't know when push came to shove.  I was only needed when my grandmother wanted to make appearances.

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When we had children I knew I wouldn't have those awesome photos of a doting Great Grandmother holding her beautiful great-grandchildren.  Instead I got harsh words and memories that are tainted and cruel.  My oldest didn't cop it has harshly and being the first and only great-grandchild for her she somewhat made an effort for her.  She cuddled her and fed her.  I honestly thought FINALLY I have thawed her frozen heart.  I almost had a bonding experience because she also suffered horrific morning sickness like myself.  But alas that bonding and warmness soon buried deep when our second was born...

My grandmother is a woman of harsh words and a mean tongue.  My daughter has a unique name -not uncommon but it's a name that you wouldn't have 2 of in the same year level.  But it suits her - it has that uniqueness that makes her... her

But because my grandmother didn't like it she refused to say it - yep... she referred to this beautiful little baby as that - the baby.  Or the girl baby.  It was horrible - to hear that.  She couldn't even give a birthday card because it pained her too much to write her name!  It was at this point in my adult life I thought "F*** YOU" .  This woman doesn't deserve to be in my life - in my children's lives and she certainly doesn't deserve to be known to them.

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She's only met my youngest maybe 3 times in his short 5 years on this earth.  I refused to allow such a bitter woman into my son's life and touch his soul.  He deserved more - and it was at my Dad's funeral my thoughts and feelings were cemented.

When she approached me to offer her "condolences" no hugs or embrace but a "I'm sorry" she asked the following question... "Where's Julie, the other one and Ben?" (names protected for personal reasons) ... she couldn't even say my daughters name on my Dad's funeral.  I replied of course in a firm tone "There's Julie, there's Ben and right there is Tabitha..."  she didn't bat an eyelid at my tone and that was the last time I have spoken to her.  I never received anymore birthday cards, Christmas and if I did they were returned to sender. 

She had no right into our lives anymore....


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So I found out yesterday she's slowing dying - you'd think this news would offer me some closure and peace within myself.  But it's made me wonder if I should go to the funeral when it happens.  I don't want to go because to me a funeral is a celebration of life - the only thing I'm grateful for is the fact she gave me my Mum - a Mum who has become a Nanna that I never had (well, I had a lovely warm Nanna but she passed away well before I had children).  But I can't sit there and put on a face act like what she has done to not only me but everyone I love is OK.  Because it's not.  I can't even forgive her!  She doesn't deserve forgiveness not from me and certainly not from my children.

I often get jealous when I see photos of babies or young children enjoying being with their Great Grandparents.  To know they had that opportunity to have that love.  I am grateful that mine have my mum - who's nothing like her own.  The cycle was broken because my mum was able to find someone like my Dad love and support her.  Because it showed her what a real mum is - not that cold woman she had.

Children deserve family that love them unconditionally - somewhere they feel protected and nurtured and warm.  Where they don't feel like they need to compete for someones attention or love.  Where no favourites are shown  - because children notice that - I certainly did!  And even though as a child I didn't see it as an adult I saw how my grandmother treated me different and how I wasn't what she wanted.  I wasn't her ideal!

One day I will become a grandmother (well, I hope LOL) and having that relationship with my own has made me realise how much I will never be like that - that each child I have and each grandchild I will eventually have will have equal places in my heart and soul.  And I could never make someone feel unloved or unwanted like that "witch" made me eventually feel.

My biggest and hardest Emotion

This is going to be one of the hardest blogs to write, because ultimately I am opening myself up to strangers and overall anyone who actually reads this blog; which at last count was 2 people ;)

So let me talk about anger...

Anger is an emotion and most people in this world can control their anger - I for one find it hard to control that anger.  I am not abusive and I am certainly not a horrible person but when I feel hurt or emotional my anger levels are a little higher than normal.

I have been working with my psych for as long as I can remember on the best way to manage my emotions and honestly my biggest problem is I catastrophize a situation when I can't deal with the emotion that comes with it.  And because I suffer from anxiety a lot - this can have a big roll over effect.

So because Anger is my biggest problem for me - I will talk about the effects it can have on me and people around me.  It stems back a fair bit, to when I was sexually abused so for me it's not something I can easily switch off.
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I grew up in a household that wasn't angry - yes my parents argued and we had little arguments but I was never surrounded by anger.  My dad had a work place accident when I was quite young so for me that never shaped who I was.
My anger started to appear around the time all that stuff with my social life began.  Being sexually abused and also blackmailed does a big thing to your self esteem.  It played a big part in how I was shaped as a young adult.  It created a sense of fear of people I knew, people I would end up knowing and people I would ultimately love.  My emotions were heightened during this time - my social anxiety amped up and my self loathing began.
Not long after all that stuff happened I left school half way through year 11 - it was also at this point I started a relationship with a guy who was an hour train trip away from me.  He was pretty full on but not in a bad way and he was the first guy after I was sexually abused that I was with.  Even though we lived a couple of hours away from each other we saw each other every weekend and house swapped.  You need to remember at the time I was only 17, as was he.  I was still vulnerable and scared of what a male could do to me.  I found it hard to find work that would allow me to have the connection with my partner.  He had a full time job already but I was wanting to start an apprenticeship.  I was also feeling insecure in this relationship because he had ultimately ended another to be with me.  I was fearful I was going to lose the one thing good going on in my life at that current time.
I found a job and it was good money and hours.  Just part time but it freed up my weekends so I was still able to see him.  But I got sick early into the job - and ended up in hospital.  It was at this time I realised how alone I really was.  He couldn't (or should I say wouldn't) come and be with me as he couldn't call in sick.  It was the reality to me at that time that maybe just maybe this would never work.  I would never move to be with him and I knew he would never do the same for me.  I told him of my fears, concerns and also my lack of security in myself and how this long distance was tearing me apart.  He assured me that once we was 18 things would change...

It was not long after our 6 months together where I was finally feeling secure and had decided to pursue Baking (pastry chef) that it all came crumbling down... on a weekend with him it was the first weekend I felt alone even though I was with him.  He hardly touched me, held my hand or a simple thing of sitting next to me happened.  When I got onto my train to go back home - he broke my heart.  I can still feel that pain of when he pushed me onto the train and said he couldn't do this anymore.  I had no closure no reason - and because of that it made me question myself. 
It was at this point - I became a little more angry.  

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I finally got a job as a baker and would be starting this job in January 2001... around this time I was still chatting in Internet chat rooms.  It was my escape from the real world - it was where I could be a different person, no one really knew me and knew of what sort of damaged goods I was.  Around this time I started chatting to a boy who would eventually become my now husband.

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I took this relationship slow -  and I found that the person I was attracted to wasn't my usual type I would go for.  In fact he was the polar opposite... this isn't a bad thing change is good.  But I found it hard to connect with that change.  I had been hurt so badly in the past two years that I didn't feel like I deserved to be treated "nice".  I have kept that feeling a secret until now I suppose.  What person could love me I kept telling myself.  Someone who was a slut, whore, bitch, cow, fat, ugly... these things are what people ultimately had called me so I led to believe I was them.
But I pushed those feelings aside, buried them and continued into the relationship.  He never hurt me, told me things that were nasty, made me do things that were horrible.  He just loved me... yes it was hard to accept and to this day I still find it hard to accept.

It's why I ultimately have anger problems.

It's not anger directed at anyone - but anger about who I am and what I have all these years called myself in my head...

Ugly; Slut; Whore; Fat; Whale; Loser; Horrible; Bitch

And funnily enough I continued to hear those words from people while being with someone who didn't think that about me at all.  The worse part about this is the people who have said horrible things to my face or about me behind my back are still in some ways part of my life.  And those people have not and will not apologise for saying those horrible things.  I can't cut them out - I try my best to do so but sometimes that doesn't happen.  And I am made to feel like I am nothing of importance.  Yes it was a long time ago and yes they may of forgotten... but I haven't.  That's the problem and as much as you're tying hard to move past that hurt, it sometimes doesn't always work out that way.  Because deep down - even if you have opened up and said how you're feeling, your feelings get shot down fairly quickly.  And you're labelled the problem of the cause. 

I am victim blaming - myself.  I am my own worst enemy.  You're probably reading this telling me to get over it, move on, it's in the past.  Because believe me I have heard it all before and I have heard it from none other than the person closest to me for support.
But that is YOU that is YOUR thoughts and you are not ME.  I have learnt to accept that while my feelings have been hurt - I just need to accept they don't feel like they did anything wrong.  That's the hardest part in acceptance.  And it's probably why I easily get angry... because it's my only way of dealing with situations I can't process that easy.
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I get angry over the stupidest of things - well you would think they're stupid LOL but for me I can't see that and I blow up so quickly that I end up forgetting why I am truly angry.  I have gotten a lot better but it's hard when the things you're angry about will never change.  I would even say that my anger is also resentment.  Resentment of watching others have relationships, friendships that I will never have. 

Because of my anger, I learnt during that time to push people away or to put walls up and not let them in.  It's my coping mechanism and I still do it with my husband to this day.  I push him away when I probably need him most - but at the same time when I do tell him how I feel I get told to "get over it" because he doesn't understand my frustration, anger or hurt.  It's also hard because I love my husband with my heart, soul and body that when he can't see how poorly he himself sometimes gets treated I feel his ignored pain in body and mind.  I am very empathic and that's a hard thing to have when you have anger issues.  That's the hardest part when you feel empathy for someone when they themselves don't have or see the same things I do.  I have tried talking to my husband about this and how my mind works and processes things - but he will never truly understand.  I see things, hear things, feel things he doesn't or ever will.  So because he doesn't feel those things - he finds it hard to understand my frustration, anger, fear, sadness and ultimately loneliness.

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One reason I try and work through my anger is because I can see my own daughter struggling with the same emotion.  She has ASD (HFA) so she finds regulating her emotions even harder - and one of her biggest problems is anger.  Because she mimics - she has mimicked my behaviour and how I deal with situations.  I am trying to help her in a child like way while also trying to work through my own emotional problems.  It's hard offering advice on something when you yourself are going through the same problem.  But I also know how she feels, her triggers and how at the end it makes you feel like udder shit.  So hopefully over time we can help each other.

This post was extremely hard for me to write - because it gives you a side to me you may not of knew existed.  But also because I have ultimately opened myself up to be judged by people.  Judged because anger out of all the emotions is the ugliest one to have.  But I hope you don't judge because I judge myself everyday I wake up.  When I look in the mirror, when I hug my children or kiss my husband.  I am judging myself each and every step.  I judge myself because I find it hard to say three simple words to  my husband because I am fearful of being hurt or rejected (yes nearly 20 years later).

It's not easy being me, a person who feels trapped in her own mind and body.  It's why I chose to do this blog - in hopes that someone reading my feel secure in themselves to think they're not alone.  There is someone else out there who feels the same way.

I hope one day the people who thought it was OK to have said those things about me have the courage to apologise - maybe then I will as well.  But I also need to accept that people often forget what they've said in the past even though I haven't - and that's the anger I need to deal with. 

21 Days - How it's gone

So here we are 21 days free of posting on Facebook - I've been using instagram more but because of how public I make my posts I'm more aware of what I do share on there.

I've also started cleaning out my friends list - this isn't to create nastiness and I'm certainly not being malicious about it. I'm just trying to create a better environment for me to come back to. And that's if I come back to it at all... I was getting too wound up over trivial stuff. That's not healthy.

I have been scrolling through my feed and it's amazing how much I've "missed". I say missed like that because honestly the only way I'd know half the things is because of Facebook. So I'm scared to completely remove myself from there for that reason.

21 days to change a habit they say. Do I think I've changed a habit? Yeh I think I do. I'm not sharing content like I used to. The people who I thought I'd continue being in contact with I have... and I've reached out to a couple of people I wanted to or needed to. Other than that I'm really not surprised in the lack of give fucks from anyone... oh and that's not me whinging and sitting in a corner crying nobody loves me lol, that's the harsh reality I guess of social media it creates a buffer for everyone to become complacent with relationships.
People rely on your stories to be plastered and all they need to do is like here or there to make themselves feel important and that they're still watching. Hey I'm guilty of this! I'm not saying I haven't done similar. That's a big reason I set this challenge; to see how I treated my relationships.

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With me being switched off more I've also been able to concentrate on me for once. Nothing wrong with being selfish once in a while. But I needed to get back to helping my self before helping others.

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Some people may be taking what I type in here as a personal attack or I'm testing their loyalty to me. That's not it at all! I'm testing loyalty to my family and overall myself. I didn't start this blog to attack people's perception. I started it as an open diary. A diary where you can step into my mind and see what goes through my head. And most of the time it's crap lol
I used Facebook as a way of hiding behind my social anxiety (which yes I've self diagnosed but I'm more than certain I have). Facebook was a way for me to have "friends" and look like I had my shit together. When in reality I didn't. I still don't funnily enough. I still constantly worry what people think of me, worry that I say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing. Facebook allowed me to have  wall up but also a wall down. I don't have the perfect marriage, house, kids or life.... but Facebook probably made it seem like I did/do.
Now I'm opening up and letting you know how bloody raw it actually is with this blog.

So please before you assume I'm testing you with my Facebook hiatus I'm not... I'm testing myself.

21 days

Coming soon...

Body image...

Decided today to do a body image reflection. I'm tired, bloated, grumpy and craving chocolate and it's generally around this time I start to hate my body.

Why do I hate my body? What's made me so fascinated with loathing my body. The one thing that has done so much more than ever I could've imagined.

I'll start from the beginning... I was always a big girl in primary school. I guess around 7/8 is when I started to chunk up a lot. I wasn't a big eater as a child and we didnt drive so I rode and walked everywhere. Exercise was never an issue if that was ever brought up. Because I was on the bigger side I was picked on. Tormented by certain kids in older grades. It's quite horrible hearing things being said about you - makes you feel worthless as a human. Like you don't deserve to be loved. I of course had my small group of friends but I was always known as the fat one. It doesn't help when you develop quickly either - being poked and pointed at in the swim change rooms... girls can be such bitches.

In high school it wasn't too bad - I still got the odd torment but when the school is 800 large and all types of body shapes walk among you, you tend to blend in and morph into the crowd. This is where I found myself. I slendered out a bit and while I was never skinny I was small enough that I was happy.

But why was I happy?!?! Because I could walk into a shop and grab what I wanted off the rack without flinching. Honestly thinking back that should've been the least of my concerns.

I still had my grandmother (a word she doesn't really deserve the honour of having) being quite cruel and nasty to me. Still called me fat and other horrible things. Those comments while the words have become clouds - the indent of the damage is always there.

Once I met my now husband at 17 I was still a pretty average size. A little more curvaceous than others but I was OK with that. But deep down my image wasn't healed  - it would only take a few words here or there to hurt me.

I'm now 33 and I've come to a point in my life I'm back to having body image issues. Lap banding doesn't cure the negative thoughts  - in fact I think it does worse!... you join groups for support and you end up feeling like a failure when people it doesn't go the same way as your surgery buddy. Everyday you hear of the obesity epidemic...

Sorry if being fat is worse than say.... an alcoholic, a smoker, drug addiction, domestic abuse, child abuse, rapist...murderer.
I could keep going but I think you get the point. How is my weight such a horrible thing to judge me on?
Does my weight define me? Do you walk past someone and think holy fuck their fat they must be so horrible I'm not going to get to know them... I would hope not.

I'm raising 3 young children in a world that is so focused on telling us how much we should be eating and more importantly what we should be eating. They're being told at such a young age naughty foods are this this and this. Isn't food just food? Yes some foods contain more sugar or salt... some have higher fats. But teach your children that food is food and some foods should be eaten in moderation.

Because of my own body image I'm finding it harder to not place my views and insecurities on my own children. But it's hard - especially when your children aren't your green (health care book) text book child and sitting in the right BMI for their height. And because all you're told is too look at numbers and if you're not in the 50th percentile something is wrong with your body.

As kids get older they start to question who they are, why they look a certain way. And when society is forcing them to look a certain way it's hard to give them confidence to feel ok in their skin. I've had family members tell my son to go on a diet because he was fat (he was 3 at the time). He's a solid little boy and it breaks my heart he was judged on his size before he could even say hello.

My middle daughter was always the more slender one has now become a bit bigger. Because of my insecurities I fear what people may think of her. She's beautiful and loves the little things. But for someone to judge her on her size would rip my heart in two...

My oldest girl 10 next year... while looking at her you'd think she's just a girl developing. And she is... but according to the BMI she's severely OBESE!

IN fact according to that BMI chart all my kids are... how's that promoting good body image?

My girls play rugby, do jiu jitsu they're not unhealthy kids - but because of their BMI their automatically graded as unhealthy. What sort of body image problems is this causing our children?

I don't think I'll ever be happy with my body - that's damage that's permanently there from words of people who are meant to protect you. And I worry if my own body image insecurities will filter to my children... or if society is already doing it to them.

Isolation...

Woke up today feeling flat... it's been a busy week. Sons birthday yesterday and I finally stopped at around 9pm last night.

And today the flatness has set in. And with it comes the over thinking and isolation feelings. Today's probably a good day where I'm not on Facebook as it's days like this I tend to share stuff instead of dealing with the way I'm feeling and why I'm feeling it.

I hurt easy and when someone can't understand why I'm hurt it hurts me more. Even if telling them plain as day to their face why I'm feeling this way and they don't consider how I feel makes it worse. I've tried super hard this past year to open up and be a little bit more vulnerable. But when it's thrown back in your face you tend to shut down again.

I don't want much from this person. Honestly all I want is for them to understand my stance and reason... I feel very strongly about the way someone treats you and how you're treated back.
If someone treats you with respect you generally give respect back, yes? What if years and years of hurtful words, actions, comments and rudeness is just too much for one person? Should that person be allowed to feel resentment to the one person who's meant to support them? Especially if you've told that one person countless times how shit being in situations makes them feel.

No one should be made to feel;
Ignored
Unloved
Hurt
Isolated

But I do... I feel all those things when I'm put into a situation I don't want to be in. If I do put myself in those siuationa I come out of it feeling worse and my moods swing and anxiety sets in. But I put myself in those situations because if I don't I'm made out to be the bad one. Ironic isn't it... ironic because putting myself in a vulnerable position not to be hurt makes me feel hurt anyway.

So I isolate myself - and isolation is quite lonely. But it helps you from getting hurt. Or does it?

Everyone is entitled and deserving of respect  - but at the same time. Respect needs to be earned in my books that bridge burned years ago.

Half way there....

I'm half way through my social media hiatus and tonight was the 1st time I logged in to get ready for my memories. Something I wanted to do due to my sons 5th birthday tomorrow.

But it got me thinking...

Looking at memories is like needing likes... I don't need Facebook "friends" to wish him a happy birthday. Many couldn't give a big fuck about it! Why?... I honestly don't know. Just 5 mins of scrolling through my feed tonight made me anxious.

It's getting to the point I had Facebook to feed my insecurities in myself. I needed it to make myself feel better. Why was I sharing photos of my kids? Why was I updating my days events or how hards it been with my kids when most people on my list wouldn't even care?! Because I needed validation I am OK and liked by people!?

This isn't aiming or digging at anyone but fuck it really got me wondering how much Facebook is an addiction.

I caught up with a friend over the weekend I hadn't seen in close to a year - because I reached out and sent a message. I said I'd do that more and it's working. I'm doing it bit by bit and cementing my true friendships.

I don't know if I'll ever log back in full time... if 5 mins made me feel anxious what's a weeks worth going to do?

For some reason my app won't let me attach a photo... but Google Likeaholic and it shows me...

The middle child...

They say the middle child is often the forgotten one - the one with "issues" or special.

Well... I can speak for my husband that yes he is special ;)

But I'm here to talk about my own middle child. She's a bit special and that's because she is so full of character and stubbornness that she has so much potential she doesn't even know she has.

At 4 years of age she was diagnosed with HFA (high functioning autism). Getting that diagnosis was a hard road because you get the constant comments she can't have autism. The problem is she was mimicking other kids behavior and blending in - it's what she does and how she perfected fitting in. But she can't control her emotions at home. And anyone that has spent anytime with us where she's not coping knows just how bad she can be.

But you know what - no one besides my husband or myself have really witnessed it so it's hard for people to see how hard it is for us.

And yes it is hard - bloody hard! It's hard because we can't find a psych to help her... most aren't able to give her the right tools and we end up spending money for nothing. It's also hard because she doesn't display this behavior outside the home we need to fight a little harder to be heard. It's getting a bit easier as most people now believe me when I say she's volatile at home some days.  I also tell them to research HFA in girls and why they fly under the radar compared to say a boy of the same diagnosis. But you also have to understand autism is a scale and a large one. What one child may suffer the next may not.

We changed schools last year... many people were quick to judge my decision. I don't know why but when your not being heard or listened it was time to make the decision. They knew of her HFA from day one but made minimal effort to listen to my concerns, especially in the 1st year of her schooling. I had meetings and her prep teacher at the time just wasn't following through and it became apparent wasn't pushing to help her. I understand they had another 20 pupils but had they listened in the first place maybe we would've been in a different place when she stepped into grade 1. She had made no connections with children as she had relied on her sister in the playground. When the seniors were moved to a different playtime she lost that connection and had no one. It was hard because of course after school we copped it.
More meetings were had and while her new teacher was more forthcoming it wasn't enough. She was falling behind in academic areas too because she was so emotionally drained!.. heading into term 4, 2016 we moved to the local Catholic primary... ironically many judged because of course social media plays a big part on how a school is portrayed. Many were leaving the Catholic to enter the same school we were leaving or another new one opening up this year. The snide comments I got or the views people had were giving me a negative feel to MY choice, OUR choice. And in the back of my head it's always sat until I had my daughters parent teacher interview...

I knew she was starting to fall behind and I was going to ask what steps to take. But before I even got a chance to ask she was already telling me she's been placed into a special maths group to help her get back to level. Here I have been fighting for my daughter(s) for nearly 5 years asking if they are falling behind or struggling to always being told no their fine. And it took a new school and new outlook for this to happen. I am able to get feedback where I need - the teachers are able to tell me that yes they're struggling here and this is what we are doing to help. They learn as a grade and those that are struggling get the extra help when required because they can see where they need it. I feel finally OK in my decision to change. I've gone from struggling for feedback to getting everything I need in a 10mins sitting.

And yes it's Catholic  - so yes I know they have the religious aspect. While I don't practice religion nor do I believe in it I also know that my children are now getting an understanding of different beliefs of the world. I don't tell my children what they can believe in and I certainly don't regret they're learning about Jesus and the bible. Since moving they have a more broader view of everything around them and it's something I couldn't teach them.

My middle child may have something special about her but that doesn't define her abilities or who she is. I'm just glad that she now has support and love not just from her home but school community too.

One week nearly done...

So it's coming to nearly a week of no Facebook. The self ban has been somewhat of an eye opener even after a few days!
I compare this self ban to removing something you love and use daily... soft drink is my first thought.

Day 1 - Thursday
Found this day probably between hard and easy. My phone was hardly touched! And I only needed to charge it again once through the day. I had my music going so that used a bit. I was also looking for games to play!

Day 2 - Friday
I worked this whole day and funnily enough this was the day I have found out of the past 6 to be the hardest. I guess this is where most get that craving part to sugar when stopping soft drink. I was looking for a hit! Had nothing to do on my break but use snap chat filters.

Day 3 - Saturday
Again I worked but this time only a short shift so didn't need my phone on my break and when I got home I pottered around doing stuff so felt preoccupied. It was this day I realised how much I used Facebook. Just watching my husband in his phone while I was constantly on the move made me realise how much I actually used to check my phone!

Day 4 - Sunday
I worked an extra shift this day and similar to Saturday got home and did stuff. We decided to go out for the afternoon and gosh what a shift in the way I was that day! I still used my phone and updated instagram but that's it. Nothing else... and it felt... really good.

Day 5 - Monday
This was my biggest test. On my own for the first time as kids at school or kinder. But I also needed to do birthday shopping. So I had a good busy day.

Which leads me to now... day 6

And I have gotten through  the initial hard bump... I know there will be withdrawals coming up like there is with any addiction but I think I'll be ok! I'm finding my days are more productive and less of me sitting down on my phone or TV. I still open my phone to check but that's out of habit. I think that habit will eventually pass... I'm trying to connect again with people I've dropped off with. And I have started with 1 person. Felt good to reconnect with them even if it was a short hello. But honestly besides that one person I've really only chatted with another 2 people... Kids have been sick so that wouldn't help. But I've honestly truly seen who's been here this past week.

Doesn't take much if you really want to be in someone's life to say hello... that's all it takes! And yeh that's a bit ironic considering I could do that. But  for once in my life I don't want to be that person - because I have always been that person.

June

Well today marks the 1st day of winter, our busiest month with 2 birthdays and of course my 1st day not logging into Facebook.
I have deactivated but I'll be honest and say not sure how long that will last. I'll probably reactivate around my sons birthday. I love seeing memories and looking back on things like that.

But a big reason I deactivated was really to connect back with friends I may of relied solely on for Facebook. As I said in my last blog it basically made me lazy.

I have no real intention of reaching out to anyone at the moment. It used to effect me really bad when you'd make that much effort to be in someone's life only for it never to reciprocated back to you. So I have learned to accept that most people will choose not to make the same effort I do.
Probably in the last year I've come to realise that I was the one trying to keep friendships/relationships going by messaging or keeping in the loop by liking all their stuff on Facebook. Once I stopped all that "communication" it's amazing how many people you truly realise are actually interested in your life.

Here's the thing - many people I guess would consider me to be stand-off ish. I've even been called a bitch and at one point told I exclude people (bit fucking rich that comment when the person who says it does exactly that!). Only reason I'm stand-off ish with certain people is because of the way they've treated me or my kids! No other reason. I choose who can hurt me and I choose whether I continue to let them hurt me.
And I chose that I no longer want to be hurt. So I cut people off. If this makes me a bitch or cold then I don't care.

So here's to day 1 of reconnecting with myself and not relying on Facebook to show my life.