Social Anxiety ...

When you meet me - talk to me and get to know me what I will tell you next may come as a shock to most if not many of you.

While I don't have a clinical diagnosis for anxiety - I know that I suffer from a form of social anxiety.  It's not your common one where you don't like crowds, shopping centres or busy places.  Mine is more centered around where I need to go, who I may see and who I may know. 

This next blog isn't a very easy one for me to type - it's also going to be a very hard one to read for some.  It is why I won't share it directly but I hope some will find it through clicking on my previous blog.

In high school I found it hard to find who I was - I had a good group of friends and a great best friend.  I also struggled with my self esteem as I wasn't the skinny, blonde pretty girl.  I was the average height, slightly curvy, brown hair and eyes and bit average looking.  I had your typical high school crushes - asked a few boys out (got rejected LOL) and my esteem got lower and lower when I had boys come up to me asking if my friend was interested.  I didn't think I was unattractive but it played a pivotal role in what would happen in the coming years.

In year 10 I befriended the year level gossip - people picked on her but she seemed to take it in her stride and funnily enough to this day people who disliked her in school are still friends with her.  This friend was in the Essendon Cheer Sqaud and I loved Essendon.  So she took me to some games where I got to know a few people in the squad.  They didn't know me from school - this was my way to I guess break away from that shy girl at school with esteem issues and be someone else.  I quickly found my footing in the group and they all seemed nice.  I dated a couple of guys in the group - but that would later bite me on the back.

In year 11 you sort of ended up chatting in MSN and Yahoo local chat groups - I had at this stage basically left the cheer squad because of what was being said about me.  I met this guy during chat he seemed nice enough.  Little did I know - this was a set up to bring me down, even though I had left that squad they didn't want to leave me alone.

This guy wasn't a nice guy - he hurt me physically and emotionally.  It's not an easy thing to talk about and while I am an open book - some things I can't openly type.  It's not hard to understand I guess what did happen.  
The worse thing about "this guy" was he was set up with me with the intentions to hurt me.  These "friends" from high school may not of known the full extent of what he did to me, but they wanted to hurt me emotionally.  He also blackmailed me - when I thought I was gone with him for good, he rung me and took what good was left of me and got me to tell him I loved him so he wouldn't kill himself.  He had audio recorded that conversation without my knowledge... and I was meant to catch up with him at a football match.  I wanted to, to make sure he was OK and safe.  Even though he had hurt me so much I was left exposed and battered and I needed to feel like I was helping someone else.

So I went - when I saw him, I also saw another 8 people from the cheer squad.  I was by myself... and the people I thought were my friends decided there and then to call me Slut, Whore, Bitch... this friend from school who no one liked set me up with this guy and did the most horrific thing possible to a person.  The used my audio recording against me saying I was a cheating slag and I would do anything for a ... well you know the rest.

I left that game shaking, I approached the security but was told to bugger off - a group of girls were lovely enough to see how distressed I was and looked after me.  I went back home and was never the same again.  I did see the Police but back then unless you had solid proof nothing could be done.  I had a meeting with the school's vice principal but nothing could be done because it was done off school grounds (oh and of course she was the Aunt of this girl).

A few weeks later - I left school.  I was wrecked. 

This girl took it upon herself to ruin what was me - because I had a few boyfriends she decided that I was something worse.  She got a boy involved who did damage beyond repair and while I don't know if she knows what he fully did - I would never accept her apology.  In actual fact that Cheer Squad ruined me.  It also ruined my love of the game.  While I know they're a few between a few hundred, but it left a sour view for me of the game.

It also left me with anxiety no one could understand.  I take a lot to trust people, I don't like a lot of people.  Not because I don't want to  - but because I can't.  It's a big reason I self hate myself, I comfort eat (think lap banding).

It's also why I get extremely defensive when a girl is mocked for what she wears (like she's asking for it).  It's why I can't watch things like 13 Reasons Why (too close to home...) and it's why I have a strong opinion on certain things in life.  I had MY choice ripped away from me, my innocence and what I loved most about me because of these people.

I see these names come up on Facebook every now and again - and I HATE the fact that she got to finish high school with a clear conscious... I hate the fact they all did! 

While my Social Anxiety isn't run of the mill - it's why I hate conflict and when a friendship or something ends I can't go to the same places I used to go (all because of what happened at the footy).

I am just glad I have my husband - who loves me - and is soft and caring towards me... and who I know would never hurt me.  But I still even have barriers for him.