This is going to be one of the hardest blogs to write, because ultimately I am opening myself up to strangers and overall anyone who actually reads this blog; which at last count was 2 people ;)
So let me talk about anger...
Anger is an emotion and most people in this world can control their anger - I for one find it hard to control that anger. I am not abusive and I am certainly not a horrible person but when I feel hurt or emotional my anger levels are a little higher than normal.
I have been working with my psych for as long as I can remember on the best way to manage my emotions and honestly my biggest problem is I catastrophize a situation when I can't deal with the emotion that comes with it. And because I suffer from anxiety a lot - this can have a big roll over effect.
So because Anger is my biggest problem for me - I will talk about the effects it can have on me and people around me. It stems back a fair bit, to when I was sexually abused so for me it's not something I can easily switch off.
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I grew up in a household that wasn't angry - yes my parents argued and we had little arguments but I was never surrounded by anger. My dad had a work place accident when I was quite young so for me that never shaped who I was.
My anger started to appear around the time all that stuff with my social life began. Being sexually abused and also blackmailed does a big thing to your self esteem. It played a big part in how I was shaped as a young adult. It created a sense of fear of people I knew, people I would end up knowing and people I would ultimately love. My emotions were heightened during this time - my social anxiety amped up and my self loathing began.
Not long after all that stuff happened I left school half way through year 11 - it was also at this point I started a relationship with a guy who was an hour train trip away from me. He was pretty full on but not in a bad way and he was the first guy after I was sexually abused that I was with. Even though we lived a couple of hours away from each other we saw each other every weekend and house swapped. You need to remember at the time I was only 17, as was he. I was still vulnerable and scared of what a male could do to me. I found it hard to find work that would allow me to have the connection with my partner. He had a full time job already but I was wanting to start an apprenticeship. I was also feeling insecure in this relationship because he had ultimately ended another to be with me. I was fearful I was going to lose the one thing good going on in my life at that current time.
I found a job and it was good money and hours. Just part time but it freed up my weekends so I was still able to see him. But I got sick early into the job - and ended up in hospital. It was at this time I realised how alone I really was. He couldn't (or should I say wouldn't) come and be with me as he couldn't call in sick. It was the reality to me at that time that maybe just maybe this would never work. I would never move to be with him and I knew he would never do the same for me. I told him of my fears, concerns and also my lack of security in myself and how this long distance was tearing me apart. He assured me that once we was 18 things would change...
It was not long after our 6 months together where I was finally feeling secure and had decided to pursue Baking (pastry chef) that it all came crumbling down... on a weekend with him it was the first weekend I felt alone even though I was with him. He hardly touched me, held my hand or a simple thing of sitting next to me happened. When I got onto my train to go back home - he broke my heart. I can still feel that pain of when he pushed me onto the train and said he couldn't do this anymore. I had no closure no reason - and because of that it made me question myself.
It was at this point - I became a little more angry.
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I finally got a job as a baker and would be starting this job in January 2001... around this time I was still chatting in Internet chat rooms. It was my escape from the real world - it was where I could be a different person, no one really knew me and knew of what sort of damaged goods I was. Around this time I started chatting to a boy who would eventually become my now husband.
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I took this relationship slow - and I found that the person I was attracted to wasn't my usual type I would go for. In fact he was the polar opposite... this isn't a bad thing change is good. But I found it hard to connect with that change. I had been hurt so badly in the past two years that I didn't feel like I deserved to be treated "nice". I have kept that feeling a secret until now I suppose. What person could love me I kept telling myself. Someone who was a slut, whore, bitch, cow, fat, ugly... these things are what people ultimately had called me so I led to believe I was them.
But I pushed those feelings aside, buried them and continued into the relationship. He never hurt me, told me things that were nasty, made me do things that were horrible. He just loved me... yes it was hard to accept and to this day I still find it hard to accept.
It's why I ultimately have anger problems.
It's not anger directed at anyone - but anger about who I am and what I have all these years called myself in my head...
Ugly; Slut; Whore; Fat; Whale; Loser; Horrible; Bitch
And funnily enough I continued to hear those words from people while being with someone who didn't think that about me at all. The worse part about this is the people who have said horrible things to my face or about me behind my back are still in some ways part of my life. And those people have not and will not apologise for saying those horrible things. I can't cut them out - I try my best to do so but sometimes that doesn't happen. And I am made to feel like I am nothing of importance. Yes it was a long time ago and yes they may of forgotten... but I haven't. That's the problem and as much as you're tying hard to move past that hurt, it sometimes doesn't always work out that way. Because deep down - even if you have opened up and said how you're feeling, your feelings get shot down fairly quickly. And you're labelled the problem of the cause.
I am victim blaming - myself. I am my own worst enemy. You're probably reading this telling me to get over it, move on, it's in the past. Because believe me I have heard it all before and I have heard it from none other than the person closest to me for support.
But that is YOU that is YOUR thoughts and you are not ME. I have learnt to accept that while my feelings have been hurt - I just need to accept they don't feel like they did anything wrong. That's the hardest part in acceptance. And it's probably why I easily get angry... because it's my only way of dealing with situations I can't process that easy.
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I get angry over the stupidest of things - well you would think they're stupid LOL but for me I can't see that and I blow up so quickly that I end up forgetting why I am truly angry. I have gotten a lot better but it's hard when the things you're angry about will never change. I would even say that my anger is also resentment. Resentment of watching others have relationships, friendships that I will never have.
Because of my anger, I learnt during that time to push people away or to put walls up and not let them in. It's my coping mechanism and I still do it with my husband to this day. I push him away when I probably need him most - but at the same time when I do tell him how I feel I get told to "get over it" because he doesn't understand my frustration, anger or hurt. It's also hard because I love my husband with my heart, soul and body that when he can't see how poorly he himself sometimes gets treated I feel his ignored pain in body and mind. I am very empathic and that's a hard thing to have when you have anger issues. That's the hardest part when you feel empathy for someone when they themselves don't have or see the same things I do. I have tried talking to my husband about this and how my mind works and processes things - but he will never truly understand. I see things, hear things, feel things he doesn't or ever will. So because he doesn't feel those things - he finds it hard to understand my frustration, anger, fear, sadness and ultimately loneliness.
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One reason I try and work through my anger is because I can see my own daughter struggling with the same emotion. She has ASD (HFA) so she finds regulating her emotions even harder - and one of her biggest problems is anger. Because she mimics - she has mimicked my behaviour and how I deal with situations. I am trying to help her in a child like way while also trying to work through my own emotional problems. It's hard offering advice on something when you yourself are going through the same problem. But I also know how she feels, her triggers and how at the end it makes you feel like udder shit. So hopefully over time we can help each other.
This post was extremely hard for me to write - because it gives you a side to me you may not of knew existed. But also because I have ultimately opened myself up to be judged by people. Judged because anger out of all the emotions is the ugliest one to have. But I hope you don't judge because I judge myself everyday I wake up. When I look in the mirror, when I hug my children or kiss my husband. I am judging myself each and every step. I judge myself because I find it hard to say three simple words to my husband because I am fearful of being hurt or rejected (yes nearly 20 years later).
It's not easy being me, a person who feels trapped in her own mind and body. It's why I chose to do this blog - in hopes that someone reading my feel secure in themselves to think they're not alone. There is someone else out there who feels the same way.
I hope one day the people who thought it was OK to have said those things about me have the courage to apologise - maybe then I will as well. But I also need to accept that people often forget what they've said in the past even though I haven't - and that's the anger I need to deal with.
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