Body image...

Decided today to do a body image reflection. I'm tired, bloated, grumpy and craving chocolate and it's generally around this time I start to hate my body.

Why do I hate my body? What's made me so fascinated with loathing my body. The one thing that has done so much more than ever I could've imagined.

I'll start from the beginning... I was always a big girl in primary school. I guess around 7/8 is when I started to chunk up a lot. I wasn't a big eater as a child and we didnt drive so I rode and walked everywhere. Exercise was never an issue if that was ever brought up. Because I was on the bigger side I was picked on. Tormented by certain kids in older grades. It's quite horrible hearing things being said about you - makes you feel worthless as a human. Like you don't deserve to be loved. I of course had my small group of friends but I was always known as the fat one. It doesn't help when you develop quickly either - being poked and pointed at in the swim change rooms... girls can be such bitches.

In high school it wasn't too bad - I still got the odd torment but when the school is 800 large and all types of body shapes walk among you, you tend to blend in and morph into the crowd. This is where I found myself. I slendered out a bit and while I was never skinny I was small enough that I was happy.

But why was I happy?!?! Because I could walk into a shop and grab what I wanted off the rack without flinching. Honestly thinking back that should've been the least of my concerns.

I still had my grandmother (a word she doesn't really deserve the honour of having) being quite cruel and nasty to me. Still called me fat and other horrible things. Those comments while the words have become clouds - the indent of the damage is always there.

Once I met my now husband at 17 I was still a pretty average size. A little more curvaceous than others but I was OK with that. But deep down my image wasn't healed  - it would only take a few words here or there to hurt me.

I'm now 33 and I've come to a point in my life I'm back to having body image issues. Lap banding doesn't cure the negative thoughts  - in fact I think it does worse!... you join groups for support and you end up feeling like a failure when people it doesn't go the same way as your surgery buddy. Everyday you hear of the obesity epidemic...

Sorry if being fat is worse than say.... an alcoholic, a smoker, drug addiction, domestic abuse, child abuse, rapist...murderer.
I could keep going but I think you get the point. How is my weight such a horrible thing to judge me on?
Does my weight define me? Do you walk past someone and think holy fuck their fat they must be so horrible I'm not going to get to know them... I would hope not.

I'm raising 3 young children in a world that is so focused on telling us how much we should be eating and more importantly what we should be eating. They're being told at such a young age naughty foods are this this and this. Isn't food just food? Yes some foods contain more sugar or salt... some have higher fats. But teach your children that food is food and some foods should be eaten in moderation.

Because of my own body image I'm finding it harder to not place my views and insecurities on my own children. But it's hard - especially when your children aren't your green (health care book) text book child and sitting in the right BMI for their height. And because all you're told is too look at numbers and if you're not in the 50th percentile something is wrong with your body.

As kids get older they start to question who they are, why they look a certain way. And when society is forcing them to look a certain way it's hard to give them confidence to feel ok in their skin. I've had family members tell my son to go on a diet because he was fat (he was 3 at the time). He's a solid little boy and it breaks my heart he was judged on his size before he could even say hello.

My middle daughter was always the more slender one has now become a bit bigger. Because of my insecurities I fear what people may think of her. She's beautiful and loves the little things. But for someone to judge her on her size would rip my heart in two...

My oldest girl 10 next year... while looking at her you'd think she's just a girl developing. And she is... but according to the BMI she's severely OBESE!

IN fact according to that BMI chart all my kids are... how's that promoting good body image?

My girls play rugby, do jiu jitsu they're not unhealthy kids - but because of their BMI their automatically graded as unhealthy. What sort of body image problems is this causing our children?

I don't think I'll ever be happy with my body - that's damage that's permanently there from words of people who are meant to protect you. And I worry if my own body image insecurities will filter to my children... or if society is already doing it to them.