When you're finally ready to progress...

People determine progression in different ways - for me progression is a personal thing.

When we made the decision to become a family - we didn't know how much sacrifice that you really need to make for this to happen.  We decided not long after we got married that we wanted to have children quite young.  We didn't have a big mortgage and lived in a modest home.  For us - having a family out weighed everything else.  We had no desire to travel or to move up the ranks in our careers. 

When we found out we were pregnant, you start to imagine your lives with a little bundle at the end.  Unfortunately that little bundle was never meant to happen and it grew it's wings early on.  The hardest part about early miscarriage is how alone it makes you feel.  You haven't had the chance to announce to the world so you suffer in your own grief.  It was after the 3rd early miscarriage we decided to stop trying.

My progression from that pain was to start saving for when we eventually did have out little bundle. 
In 2008 I lost my grandfather to cancer - 2 weeks later we found out we were pregnant again.  Call it fate... but I truly believe he found his way into our daughters soul and gave us her. 

Progression - through the grief of losing my grandfather we became a family.

I suffered with PND with Hannah (our oldest) and I left it untreated.  Was this because I felt like failure as a mother?  I couldn't breastfeed, we were being swallowed as first time parents.  They don't tell you these things like sleeplessness and struggling with a  little human that just cries and cries.  They're quite demanding... but we got through it.  And we found out when Hannah was only 8 months old that we were expecting again.  In 2009 our second daughter, Mackenzie was born.  Around the same time my dad was terminally ill, no cure... I never really dealt with that diagnosis.  I guess I thought it wouldn't happen, he was stronger than that.

This time the PND was worse and it wasn't something I could hide.  I also think I had gotten to a point in my life as a mum that I wasn't looking at PND as failing.  I worked hard and I got through some of the worse parts of my motherhood during that period.

Mackenzie was 18 months old when we moved out further from my parents - I was now a 45 mins drive and further from my dad.  Whom both girls had grew a bond with.  Especially Hannah.  She adored her Pops.  About 8 months into living at our new home I found out I was pregnant with our 3rd.  This was a big surprise for us - yes we know how babies are made!  But this baby wasn't in our now plans... but we knew this baby was meant to be with us.  Was it fate?  I think it was.  This 3rd baby, a little boy was born in 2012.  Adored by his two older sisters and us, his parents.  He came into this world and my dad was able to meet him and love him. 
PND hit me again and it was worse than both the 2 previous times - I also decided to at the time return to baking part time.  This progression in my life was a silly move.  Three young children, a sick Dad and PND I was drowning.  We made the decision, the sacrifice to leave that job.  My health was more important than some job.

In 2013 just before Jacob turned 1, my Dad passed away.  It was by far the hardest time of my life.  I had been in such denial for a long time, I don't think I ever grieved properly at the time.  But I am now at peace with it all - I know Dad passed away knowing he was loved by everyone.  He also had the chance to know 3 grandchildren.  I also know he's up there watching over us.

For me that time when Dad was sick - you learn very quickly who's there for you.  Who's there for your family.  My Dad was the type of person who would be there for you while he was stubborn he supported your decisions and loved you.  To know that people in my life and in my family couldn't be bothered making that effort to see him in his last months has engraved into my soul, it also effected me in a way with how I now look at some people.  I am a compassionate person, I have a lot of empathy and the way I was hurt when my Dad was sick changed me as a person and how I treat others.

I finally got to a point in my life where my kids were all growing up - I am still quite young.  We had completed our family by the time I was 30... I had tried going back to study, but it wasn't for me.  While in the ideal world, working for yourself is a lovely idea.  It was never going to put food on our table and give the life for our children they deserved.  I searched and applied for a part time baking job...

Scared I would go through what I went through when I went back to work the last time I was anxious.  But I was determined to progress in my life - to show that I was ready for the world again.
It wasn't easy - baking hours never are!  But nearly 18 months later I am still working.  I am progressing.

Returning to work I regained who I was as a person.  I found ME again.  It had been so long since I was Tamara a Baker... for 9 years I was a mum, carer, wife, doctor, nurse, social worker (LOL)... I had lost ME as a person.  You make sacrifices when you become a mum and while people may look at our life and envy it.  But like most people we worked hard for this.  Some weeks we struggled to pay a simple bill, living off credit (yes not ideal) but it was the choice WE made.  For my health I stayed home until I was ready.  My children have also been a huge rock in all of this progression of my work life.  After School care, early mornings, needing to be quiet while mummy sleeps off a night shift, Daycare days... they have coped pretty well.  And considering Mackenzie has ASD they have done an awesome job, I am super proud of them.  Doing this whole working life with 3 children and with little "village" support hasn't been easy.  But we did it!

Now we are about to send off our youngest to school next year - and I am sitting here realising we truly did do it.  We have raised 3 beautiful children, they're kind, thoughtful, generous and all have hearts of gold.  I am so proud to be their Mum.

Now it's my turn to finally be ME again and progress as a person - so I made the decision along with my husband to go into Management (Bakery).  It's a work in progress but I have the support of the people that matter (my boss being one of them, who took the chance on a mum).  And while I will come across negativity about my decision - this progression is my path, our journey and those who support me will make me succeed.