Friendships??...

I have just come back from shopping and I needed to get this off my chest and the only way I think I can do this is I type it out!  Having a slight anxiety attack in the town you live in is not an ideal situation but when you're made to feel like you can't even shop in the area it makes we wonder why I don't have them more.

I am not a selfish person - in fact I think I am quite the opposite.  I will offer a shoulder to cry on, a house to feel welcome in without an invite, a cup of coffee and an ear for someone to pour their soul into.  And funnily enough you know what I expect in return?  Nothing... I think some people think I expect them to repay me back but not really - I have always been the type to put myself on the backburner to make sure those around me are happier. 

I have (like many people I would think) have been listening to Ed Sheeran's latest album Divide.  And the last song has really hit home for me... Save Myself.  While I think I can relate to it - I don't think I can honestly say I will follow through with it.

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I created a friendship with a friend who would often call me her best-friend.  It got to the point in this friendship I told this person and bared my soul to her.  Opening up and finally feeling like I had connected with someone on a level that's hard to come by in your adult life.  At one point I even confided in this person about someone we both knew and hung with that I was feeling like I wasn't really "wanted" in her life anymore. 
I had done my fair share for this person.  Been a shoulder for to cry on, dropped my afternoon activities to help care for her child(ren) when needed and when they were in a rough patch I offered money to help them get by (even though we weren't doing the best at the time).  I didn't do this to bribe a friendship and I certainly didn't do this to gain anything back.  I did it because that's who I am as a person.
I cried that I didn't know what I had done - that I didn't deserve to be ignored the way she was doing.  My current friend felt bad for me - and knew how much I was hurting. 

Things happened - events occurred to the point I felt like I was now losing my current friend as I was watching them become closer and closer and me being made to wonder - what had I done wrong? 

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Of course it came to the point I needed to just remove them from my life.  I probably did so in a way that created no closure but I while I need it, I don't think I truly wanted it.  I thought this friendship was more than the surface but deep down I don't think it was (both of them weren't).  Most would say I was gutless for probably cutting the way I did - but I am not a confrontational person and I certainly didn't want to feel hurt anymore than I already did.

So this is where I let out all that I feel - this isn't for someone to pick apart and dissect LOL this is for me to have the final conversation I was meant to have with this friend so I could have my closure.

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Our friendship started to fall apart when you decided to have a night out with a couple of people you knew I didn't feel comfortable around.  Inviting me so I didn't feel excluded wasn't the best invite I have ever had and I certainly didn't feel comfortable sitting there acting like I was invited to begin with.  I don't need weekends away from my children to feel OK, I don't need to drink every weekend to the point I can't be bothered the next day dealing with them.  When I had children that was my time to decided they were more important than a drinking session.  I understand that's how you work as a person - but don't even put me down for the choices I make.  I am not BORING because I don't want to drink every weekend.  Oh and thank you for making a comment that work is more important.  At the time, yes it was.  I'm a baker!  I don't have the luxury of a 9-5 job.

You know my son's birthday, your invite was a way for me trying to reach out to you and try and make amends.  When you didn't rock up and thinking (maybe sick) but to find out you weren't there because you had binged watched TV and decided to stay in bed bloody well HURT!  You can't accuse me of making the choice to work over drinking when you made the choice to sleep instead of wanting to see us.  

I didn't ask for much with us, what I did do was open up to you.  And you used my insecurities against me.  Someone I did trust turned into someone I couldn't.  Now when I walk around my suburb I'm afraid of bumping into someone because I don't know what vicious things you have said about me (oh and I know you have that capabilities because I have seen you do it).  You've gained all that I lost - but at the same time I guess I have gained too, and these are things I won't say because I am not that petty.

While it does hurt, I do wish you all the best.
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They say you don't regret relationships with people, but more you learn from them.  And I guess that's true.  I don't regret the friendships here that I lost.  I do however regret opening up and telling someone things that I haven't told many people.  I regret telling these things because they have been used against me and ultimately hurt me in ways no one can imagine.  So I've learned now to not show who I am 100% anymore.  The positive from all of this I can take is I don't need to drink to fit in with a certain crowd - I know I am not "boring" because I don't drink or do drugs.  I know I am not innocent in the breakdown of friendships - I am however innocent of not using someone else's insecurities against them.