Drinking...

So this came up in my news feed on Facbook - it was a poll done about the drinking habits of Australians.  And it got me thinking I needed to get out why I stopped drinking like I did!

I was never a heavy drinker - my family aren't very big drinkers.   My Dad did have a couple a day but it wouldn't alter is personality and I certainly wouldn't of called him a functioning alcoholic.  So when I started drinking more and more I don't know why I did.

A few factors came to mind for why my consumption went up.

Kids and their behaviours
Using it to relax my lapband
Keeping up with the Jones'

I am going to break each one down and at the end give a reason why I stopped feeding my "addiction".

Kids.
Having one on the spectrum, another with some development delay and an older daughter who's going through some puberty I was hitting tether after tether with them all.  I would open that fridge door and poor a BIG glass of wine each night.  It helped me, calmed me down.  I would say and I quote "Mummy needs this drink to cope with being a mum".

Lapband
Stress would cause my lapband to tighten.  I would use wine to relax the band so I could eat more food.  No more to be said about that one!

The Jones'
Remember those friends LOL.  Those friends drank A LOT.  I mean a lot more than I would ever do in one sitting.  I would pop over for a visit and end up walking home drunk!  We spent countless amounts of money to keep up with drinking some nights.  If I didn't have a drink in my hand I would get smartass comments. 

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The moment your son turns to you when walking past a shop and says "Mummy that's your favourite shop", and you turn and see Liquorland.  It's at that point I realised what sort of life am I showing my children.  That they are so badly behaved that for me to deal with them I need to be drunk or relaxed?  I got the lapband to help with my weight - feeding myself wine wasn't doing me any good (15kg gain says it all).  Drinking while my friendship faltered in front of me wasn't going to get them back!  If anything the breakdown of the friendship made me drink more.

Eight weeks ago I decided to stop drinking like I did.  I had no plan to go with, I wasn't going to tell myself I wasn't going to drink anymore because honestly that would of put a lot more pressure on me.  Instead I promised myself a drink would be a treat.  And it became that.  In 8 weeks I have had a few drinks but I am not wanting to buy anymore soon. 

Why are we normalising drinking so much?  People say Smoking kills - Drinking does too.  Should we start taxing alcohol at a higher rate?  Alcohol fuelled violence, family abuse linked to drinking.
We want to fix all these problems but you flick through facebook and see jokes about a Mummy drinking a wine juice box to cope with her kids, a wine flask hidden in a handbag, how to smuggle wine in using your breasts!  I mean come on!

I haven't had depression for well over a year - but I can see my drinking habits were being used as an anti-depressant.  If I had continued on that path who knows what would've happened. 

The moment I used alcohol to cope with my life - that was abusing the trust with alcohol.

I am now treating it with more respect - teaching my kids you can have fun without getting blind drunk - teaching my kids that while I may not be coping today alcohol isn't the answer. 

*** When I write these blogs, I am speaking about my values, my truths and what is happening in my head/mind.  I would never belittle someone for their choices - but I will say (because this is the big reason I turned away the glass) if you feel like you need to defend yourself for why you drink then maybe look at other avenues to cope.  Because for me - the worry was how much more would I drink to stop caring all together.***

ADF - Alcohol and Drug Foundation

When you're finally ready to progress...

People determine progression in different ways - for me progression is a personal thing.

When we made the decision to become a family - we didn't know how much sacrifice that you really need to make for this to happen.  We decided not long after we got married that we wanted to have children quite young.  We didn't have a big mortgage and lived in a modest home.  For us - having a family out weighed everything else.  We had no desire to travel or to move up the ranks in our careers. 

When we found out we were pregnant, you start to imagine your lives with a little bundle at the end.  Unfortunately that little bundle was never meant to happen and it grew it's wings early on.  The hardest part about early miscarriage is how alone it makes you feel.  You haven't had the chance to announce to the world so you suffer in your own grief.  It was after the 3rd early miscarriage we decided to stop trying.

My progression from that pain was to start saving for when we eventually did have out little bundle. 
In 2008 I lost my grandfather to cancer - 2 weeks later we found out we were pregnant again.  Call it fate... but I truly believe he found his way into our daughters soul and gave us her. 

Progression - through the grief of losing my grandfather we became a family.

I suffered with PND with Hannah (our oldest) and I left it untreated.  Was this because I felt like failure as a mother?  I couldn't breastfeed, we were being swallowed as first time parents.  They don't tell you these things like sleeplessness and struggling with a  little human that just cries and cries.  They're quite demanding... but we got through it.  And we found out when Hannah was only 8 months old that we were expecting again.  In 2009 our second daughter, Mackenzie was born.  Around the same time my dad was terminally ill, no cure... I never really dealt with that diagnosis.  I guess I thought it wouldn't happen, he was stronger than that.

This time the PND was worse and it wasn't something I could hide.  I also think I had gotten to a point in my life as a mum that I wasn't looking at PND as failing.  I worked hard and I got through some of the worse parts of my motherhood during that period.

Mackenzie was 18 months old when we moved out further from my parents - I was now a 45 mins drive and further from my dad.  Whom both girls had grew a bond with.  Especially Hannah.  She adored her Pops.  About 8 months into living at our new home I found out I was pregnant with our 3rd.  This was a big surprise for us - yes we know how babies are made!  But this baby wasn't in our now plans... but we knew this baby was meant to be with us.  Was it fate?  I think it was.  This 3rd baby, a little boy was born in 2012.  Adored by his two older sisters and us, his parents.  He came into this world and my dad was able to meet him and love him. 
PND hit me again and it was worse than both the 2 previous times - I also decided to at the time return to baking part time.  This progression in my life was a silly move.  Three young children, a sick Dad and PND I was drowning.  We made the decision, the sacrifice to leave that job.  My health was more important than some job.

In 2013 just before Jacob turned 1, my Dad passed away.  It was by far the hardest time of my life.  I had been in such denial for a long time, I don't think I ever grieved properly at the time.  But I am now at peace with it all - I know Dad passed away knowing he was loved by everyone.  He also had the chance to know 3 grandchildren.  I also know he's up there watching over us.

For me that time when Dad was sick - you learn very quickly who's there for you.  Who's there for your family.  My Dad was the type of person who would be there for you while he was stubborn he supported your decisions and loved you.  To know that people in my life and in my family couldn't be bothered making that effort to see him in his last months has engraved into my soul, it also effected me in a way with how I now look at some people.  I am a compassionate person, I have a lot of empathy and the way I was hurt when my Dad was sick changed me as a person and how I treat others.

I finally got to a point in my life where my kids were all growing up - I am still quite young.  We had completed our family by the time I was 30... I had tried going back to study, but it wasn't for me.  While in the ideal world, working for yourself is a lovely idea.  It was never going to put food on our table and give the life for our children they deserved.  I searched and applied for a part time baking job...

Scared I would go through what I went through when I went back to work the last time I was anxious.  But I was determined to progress in my life - to show that I was ready for the world again.
It wasn't easy - baking hours never are!  But nearly 18 months later I am still working.  I am progressing.

Returning to work I regained who I was as a person.  I found ME again.  It had been so long since I was Tamara a Baker... for 9 years I was a mum, carer, wife, doctor, nurse, social worker (LOL)... I had lost ME as a person.  You make sacrifices when you become a mum and while people may look at our life and envy it.  But like most people we worked hard for this.  Some weeks we struggled to pay a simple bill, living off credit (yes not ideal) but it was the choice WE made.  For my health I stayed home until I was ready.  My children have also been a huge rock in all of this progression of my work life.  After School care, early mornings, needing to be quiet while mummy sleeps off a night shift, Daycare days... they have coped pretty well.  And considering Mackenzie has ASD they have done an awesome job, I am super proud of them.  Doing this whole working life with 3 children and with little "village" support hasn't been easy.  But we did it!

Now we are about to send off our youngest to school next year - and I am sitting here realising we truly did do it.  We have raised 3 beautiful children, they're kind, thoughtful, generous and all have hearts of gold.  I am so proud to be their Mum.

Now it's my turn to finally be ME again and progress as a person - so I made the decision along with my husband to go into Management (Bakery).  It's a work in progress but I have the support of the people that matter (my boss being one of them, who took the chance on a mum).  And while I will come across negativity about my decision - this progression is my path, our journey and those who support me will make me succeed.

Friendships??...

I have just come back from shopping and I needed to get this off my chest and the only way I think I can do this is I type it out!  Having a slight anxiety attack in the town you live in is not an ideal situation but when you're made to feel like you can't even shop in the area it makes we wonder why I don't have them more.

I am not a selfish person - in fact I think I am quite the opposite.  I will offer a shoulder to cry on, a house to feel welcome in without an invite, a cup of coffee and an ear for someone to pour their soul into.  And funnily enough you know what I expect in return?  Nothing... I think some people think I expect them to repay me back but not really - I have always been the type to put myself on the backburner to make sure those around me are happier. 

I have (like many people I would think) have been listening to Ed Sheeran's latest album Divide.  And the last song has really hit home for me... Save Myself.  While I think I can relate to it - I don't think I can honestly say I will follow through with it.

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I created a friendship with a friend who would often call me her best-friend.  It got to the point in this friendship I told this person and bared my soul to her.  Opening up and finally feeling like I had connected with someone on a level that's hard to come by in your adult life.  At one point I even confided in this person about someone we both knew and hung with that I was feeling like I wasn't really "wanted" in her life anymore. 
I had done my fair share for this person.  Been a shoulder for to cry on, dropped my afternoon activities to help care for her child(ren) when needed and when they were in a rough patch I offered money to help them get by (even though we weren't doing the best at the time).  I didn't do this to bribe a friendship and I certainly didn't do this to gain anything back.  I did it because that's who I am as a person.
I cried that I didn't know what I had done - that I didn't deserve to be ignored the way she was doing.  My current friend felt bad for me - and knew how much I was hurting. 

Things happened - events occurred to the point I felt like I was now losing my current friend as I was watching them become closer and closer and me being made to wonder - what had I done wrong? 

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Of course it came to the point I needed to just remove them from my life.  I probably did so in a way that created no closure but I while I need it, I don't think I truly wanted it.  I thought this friendship was more than the surface but deep down I don't think it was (both of them weren't).  Most would say I was gutless for probably cutting the way I did - but I am not a confrontational person and I certainly didn't want to feel hurt anymore than I already did.

So this is where I let out all that I feel - this isn't for someone to pick apart and dissect LOL this is for me to have the final conversation I was meant to have with this friend so I could have my closure.

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Our friendship started to fall apart when you decided to have a night out with a couple of people you knew I didn't feel comfortable around.  Inviting me so I didn't feel excluded wasn't the best invite I have ever had and I certainly didn't feel comfortable sitting there acting like I was invited to begin with.  I don't need weekends away from my children to feel OK, I don't need to drink every weekend to the point I can't be bothered the next day dealing with them.  When I had children that was my time to decided they were more important than a drinking session.  I understand that's how you work as a person - but don't even put me down for the choices I make.  I am not BORING because I don't want to drink every weekend.  Oh and thank you for making a comment that work is more important.  At the time, yes it was.  I'm a baker!  I don't have the luxury of a 9-5 job.

You know my son's birthday, your invite was a way for me trying to reach out to you and try and make amends.  When you didn't rock up and thinking (maybe sick) but to find out you weren't there because you had binged watched TV and decided to stay in bed bloody well HURT!  You can't accuse me of making the choice to work over drinking when you made the choice to sleep instead of wanting to see us.  

I didn't ask for much with us, what I did do was open up to you.  And you used my insecurities against me.  Someone I did trust turned into someone I couldn't.  Now when I walk around my suburb I'm afraid of bumping into someone because I don't know what vicious things you have said about me (oh and I know you have that capabilities because I have seen you do it).  You've gained all that I lost - but at the same time I guess I have gained too, and these are things I won't say because I am not that petty.

While it does hurt, I do wish you all the best.
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They say you don't regret relationships with people, but more you learn from them.  And I guess that's true.  I don't regret the friendships here that I lost.  I do however regret opening up and telling someone things that I haven't told many people.  I regret telling these things because they have been used against me and ultimately hurt me in ways no one can imagine.  So I've learned now to not show who I am 100% anymore.  The positive from all of this I can take is I don't need to drink to fit in with a certain crowd - I know I am not "boring" because I don't drink or do drugs.  I know I am not innocent in the breakdown of friendships - I am however innocent of not using someone else's insecurities against them.