One thing about my mental health that has always plagued me since the day I soaked in the words of my grandmother was the word FAT.
I was so young, around my oldest daughters age 11. I started to think I was unworthy of people to like me. My grandmother and aunt had this tendency to comment on my size whenever I saw them. And these were people I saw quite frequently, and when you hear comments about what you look like often enough you start to believe them. I don't think I ever heard my grandmother say one nice thing about the way I looked. If she did it was always a backhanded comment. Oh your hair looks lovely today, but that's because you have it tied up. Oh that jumper is very pretty, it hides your tummy. These comments (I must admit aren't exact LOL) are the ones that sit around with you for years. Then the comments start in adolescents where girls and boys alike would compare you to someone else. They would compare you based on your weight, height and looks.
So from a very young age I was made to think I was ugly, horrible and unlovable because I didn't look like someone else. It could have been any reason, but mine was always linked to weight. I was a horrible ugly person because I was bigger than my best friend. This is where the trouble with food began. I never developed an eating disorder, but my relationship with food changed just a frequently as my taste in boys and which one I liked more.
Even when I had my first boyfriend his comment that my best friend was beautiful and pretty made me think I wasn't worthy of being his girlfriend. I started to self sabotage that relationship very quickly... and that self sabotage continued not only with boyfriends but also friendships. The worst part I think about these years was the Health Education you had in high-school. Weighing and measuring teenage girls and recording it on their health record, still baffles me! The anxiety of those days still make me feel nauseous. Even as I got older and into more serious relationships, comments about what I looked like shape who I am today. One boyfriend wouldn't let me cut my hair as he liked me to look feminine. The more I type these comments out the more ridiculous they sound and the more it makes you wonder why I still hold them to my chest.
It is because of this pre-conceived notion that we as women, young girls, men and boys have to look a certain way. To weigh a certain weight. To be flawless and perfect. Women are sniggered at if we don't shave, wax or trim. I still don't understand why... well I guess I do. It is society and the notion we should be hair free like those retched porn stars.
In 2014 as most of you know I had lap-band surgery. This was because I was unhappy with the way I left in my own body. I hated the way I looked. Hated what I saw in the mirror. I lost 35kg and funnily enough the comments of "wow" and "good job" propped my self worth a little higher. I was finally worthy of loving.
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!!!! Yes, I am saying it! What the actual fuck??? I am more worthy of loving because I weight 35kg less?!?!?!? I know, I know that isn't everyone's thoughts. But those who have battled a life time of self loathing, self hate, comments and stigma about their size would think that. I felt more worthy and loved because I had lost weight. No one congratulates you on putting on weight LOL
And here I am 2019, back at starting weight, maybe slightly more... and this is where part of my depression is stemming from. The Alfred called me last week, in the midst of all the shit going on with my mum and me wanting to be there with her. I need to do that pH test again - because fuck it the first time didn't work. Apparently I took reflux medication. HELLO I don't suffer from it why would I take it. So they want me to come in again. This isn't just something I can pop into my local doctors to do. Nope 2 hour round trip, organising it around work, the anxiety of having that thing again (which isn't meant to cause pain, but ummmm for me it did) and honestly I don't have time right now as my Mum is more important right now. I got told if I don't do this and I reject the next 2 appointments I will be taken off the waiting list...
So I made the decision... well bit on both sides here. And I am no longer getting the surgery to get the Sleeve done publicly. So I start to research... costs to get Bypass done privately. So stab in the dark with no PHI it will be around 17-20k out of pocket. With PHI paying for a year and then still needing to pay out of pocket a few thousand... Why the FUCK am I doing this????
Go on say it - I know you all want to chime in... it normally happens.... FOR YOUR HEALTH TAMARA. But one thing I read this morning that made me want to punch the next person who says that (sorry about the violence, I probably wouldn't) was the following.
"There is a war on obesity right now and the medical community is heavily invested in it. However, what the research is actually saying is quite different - we are fighting an enemy that doesn't exist" Kristina Bruce
Keep reading the next blog where I am hopefully changing the way I view food, my body and who I let dictate what I should look like.
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