If you have read my past two blogs and many of my other ones you have probably noticed a theme going on with the way I write and what I write about. The fact I hate my body and how it looks. I have done so for sooooo long I can't even remember the last time I actually looked in the mirror and loved myself. You probably also know that I failed with WLS and that I constantly fail at dieting...
HOLD UP... let us step back a bit.... why have I failed? Really? Why? Because health professionals and people in my life see my size and weight as a project? As an avenue to discuss my health? I have NOT failed - the system has failed me. And it's going to continuously fail others if they do not redirect their hatred of fat people. Stop trying to FIX us!
One thing I am starting to realise and also what I am starting to research (properly I might add, not like these bogus anti-vaxxers) is that by trying to shrink us to an "ideal" weight can have more implications on our health than telling us to start accepting our bodies for what they can do and achieve. I have been on so many fad diets, well-being journeys, programs and the last final one was WLS. Yes I lost weight felt slightly "happier" but then when I lost that motivation or had a slight gain or no change I fell off. The weight crept back on and then a little more. This is where the failure thoughts come into play... I'm failing and then the thoughts start that I am lesser of value to this world because I am bigger.
I started listening to a podcast yesterday after recommendation from an person I follow on Instagram who is about body acceptance at every shape and size. I quoted her in my last blog, please follow her if you are over the stigma. I will link her at the bottom of this blog. The podcast I started listening to was Christy Harrison - Food Psych. I was hesitant at first because it would mean going AGAINST EVERYTHING we are told from a young age. AGAINST what people say to me, what people think of others and AGAINST so called health professionals. But I found one that I wanted to listen to - The Truth about Weight Loss Surgery and "Food Addiction". I will also link the podcast at the bottom of this blog. They didn't overly discuss Lap-Banding but they did discuss the fundamentals of how restrictive eating can have an effect on your body and mind. Now please be mindful they didn't state this was for everyone that has had surgery, but they did back their case.
For me WLS has done exactly what they said can happen to people. I went in thinking WLS would fix me make me feel normal again. All it did was make me miserable when I didn't lose a few grams a week, I felt like I was failing. I hated the fact I couldn't eat a proper meal with my family. I hated knowing that at any moment I could end up purging or sliming. I hated the fact I could eat slider foods just to get some energy. I hated FOOD and myself. So I turned to the glass of wine a lot more and more and more. Apparently there is a higher addiction level with people who have had WLS in turning to alcohol because we absorb it quicker and differently. And you know what - that is 100% true in my case. I never had an addiction, not until the WLS. Could be a coincidence, who knows... but they need to stop selling WLS as the end to obesity because ITS NOT! It has been proven that no diet and WLS is ultimately the biggest diet you will ever be on, can fail! And unfortunately if it does fail you end up back where you began or worse off.
Last year I left my psych vowing to not get into this vicious cycle of the "well being" mindset. That I would love my body for what it does. But I failed - and because I see this failure in the mirror and when I go clothes shopping I become depressed.
I have decided I won't be getting the surgery to lose weight - because I know eventually my body will do what it wants to bloody well do! I want to wake up and enjoy life.
- I want to be able to wake up in the mornings and be able to have something a bit "naughty" and just enjoy it for what it is.. FOOD
- I want to be able to enjoy going for a walk, not because it might help me lose weight, but because I enjoy doing it!
- I want to be able to show my girls that body acceptance isn't glorifying obesity.
- I want to be able to become less stressed about my body and how it looks, because that stress is the reason I am depressed.
- I want to love me
- I want others to see that I love me
- I want to smile and genuinely do it because I am happy.
- I want to love me the way my mum loves me...
Which is where we come in full circle. My mum loves me, she's loved me from the day I was born. All my lumps and bumps, when I was at my biggest and my smallest. Her last memory of me won't be for what I look like, but for who I was as her daughter. She loves me for ME!
One thing I need to learn is that not everyone is also going to agree with me, they may also judge me, hell I guarantee a lot will judge behind a screen for my words - but please remember... I am not judging you. I support anyone in what path they want to choose for themselves. But also know that if the path you choose doesn't work - you didn't fail, you never have. It's the system that is failing people.
I am not a project, I am not someone who needs to be fixed.
I am just someone who needs to find herself again and love herself - and maybe, hopefully the culture will change in trying to fix us, but to support us and realise the damage it's doing trying to fix us.
*links*
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