Mental Health

Today is not a good day... In fact this whole month can bite my ass.

I've been battling depression and anxiety for close to 10 years now. While my PND with each child changed in how bad I was... And I got "better", I will never fully recover. And this past week as proven just how far I've come but also how quickly I succumb to the horrible illness.

If you've read my past blogs you know I'm a pretty open person about things. I'm also very much an open book when it comes to my mental health. I think the more we talk about it the more we understand it. But there are still people out there that don't or won't understand the effects of mental depression.

Just under 2 weeks ago I ended up in hospital with what I thought was exhaustion. But test results found a blood clot on my right lung. In other words I had a pulmonary embolism. I'm unsure if many people know but it's quite a serious condition and also something no one wants to hear. I mean you do because you survived. It was found before it killed me.

Yes killed (could've) me... And since I've been doing more research I am starting to feel the after effects if it all. I'm not sleeping well, I have night sweats and I'm up every other hour peeing. I'm more snappy and more withdrawn and overall my anxiety is through the roof. Which apparently is quite common.
On top of that I've developed chronic bronchitis which again I've heard is quite common. But I'm coughing that much its effecting my sleep and I'm exhausted from it all.

This morning my husband left for Sydney for 3 days for work. And it was the worst night yet for me. I was so exhausted from it all I broke down.

I broke down because I'm scared... Even though I know medication is going to help I'm scared because of what could've happened. But I'm also feeling a lot of other things.

Hurt
Anger
Resentment

With all of those things and my anxiety I'm a bloody wreck right now. I don't ask for much and I certainly don't ask for much help. It's who I am and I'm a very proud person so it takes a lot for me to ask.

But sometimes someone shouldn't need to ask for help, for love or just a message to say we hope you're OK and that we are worried about you... And it's something I will never forget or forgive. Yes it's holding resentment but fuck I think I'm allowed to hold it this time...