I am a fairly private person - but when it comes to my views I am pretty open slather. I have a strong view on a lot of things, and a lot of the time I can take things quite personal. It's not something that I am proud of, but it is something I am working on. But I also think there's a time and place to take your strong views and talk for the people who can't be heard. This is a big reason I am starting this blog.
So I am going to start with my word of the week - ACCEPT.
About 18 months ago I started seeing my psychologist again for my anxiety. I had been going through pretty rough patch after I had my lapband. I had developed a fear of vomiting and as such when the kids got gastro - I became this germaphobe. It wasn't healthy. But we didn't start there - we started from the start. And the start for me was more than any child vomiting up carrots they never eat.
It was my anger. Yes I am admitting I have an anger problem. I am not abusive and I am by far someone who would take my anger out on people I love - but my anger was making it harder for me to be happier within mysef. I would have stupid outbursts about things that didn't matter and I was concentrating on things that made this anger worse. It was effecting my self esteem, my health and ultimately my marriage.
I was angry for so many things we started with my psychologist in breaking down the things that made me angry most;
My children being forgotten or ignored
My husband
My Dad dying
My biggest love in my life (besides my husband) are my children. They really push their limits on how quickly they can make mummy snap. I have a short fuse, and having a child on the spectrum doesn't help that fuse. We clash and boy do we clash. Her anxiety feeds off mine and vice versa. Then we have my youngest who, while doesn't have ASD has tendancies which don't help him. He's very behind in gross motor skills but we are working on it. Then we have my oldest - who is just an easy going bubble of happiness.
But they're all the same in respect to them being kind, sweet, funny, beautiful and caring. They love spending time with people and they love being around people that make them happy. But it was getting to the point - where it felt like some people just didn't want to spend enough time with them.
It was creating arguments and honestly resentment - I couldn't accept that my kids could be a sometimes thought.
So my psychologist said that I need to accept that while it sucks and it makes me sad and quite possibly even angry. I can't force people to be in their lives. I can't give ultimatums to people I love because it only hurts me because I am wanting something that quite possibly won't ever happen.
So I made that decision to accept that while my children are my life - not everyone else I want to feel the same will do so. It's not an easy thing to do - and even 18 months later I still struggle with it. I also worry that if accepting has made me a harder person?? I have given up on a lot of people. Some people I guess could call me cold - ice - Elsa (lol)... I'm not. I am actually quite the opposite, but I've given up opening up to people who don't understand what it's truly like to see the sadness that is sometimes in my children's eyes.
There are 365 days in a year, 52 week(ends), 7 days... I don't ask for much. But I have given up on a lot.
My kids are loved by their Mum and Dad and some very close special people... and that's all that matters - I have accepted that this is what it is, and while I am open to people changing - I don't hold much breath when nothing ever changes.
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