Grief does some unusual things to people. But grief I feel is very similar to depression, it doesn't discriminate and it certainly doesn't mean everyone will feel the same way.
My mum bravely lost the fight to cancer on March 15th with those who loved her most by her side. As respect to her and my brother I will not be going into detail about that day and what we endured but I will tell you how this event has changed me and almost merged me into a different person.
I sat there most of that day with thoughts of coming and going in my head of I don't know if I want to be in the room when it happens. But it got to the point so late in the night that I was asking for my pillow from home, my kindle and book. I had decided I was going to read my mum some naughty paragraphs from a book and hopefully send her peacefully away with some "erotic" thoughts LOL.
Subconsciously I knew through the whole day I wouldn't be leaving her side.
People describe birth as one of the most rewarding events to be at - to see a life being brought into this world screaming and crying. And ultimately for me, after having three children of my own - yes it was the most rewarding and beautiful event in my life. Being with my mum in the those last hours, minutes and seconds I have never felt so much love, joy and sorrow all at once. We aren't saying hello, but finally saying our goodbyes. And yes it was sad, one of those most saddest parts of my life. It was also the hardest... but stroking her hand and telling her Dad was there waiting for her and to go with him filled my heart with so much pride.
Pride that I was loved so deeply, cared for so lovingly and cherished by a women who was not only my mum, but my best friend.
________________________
Three weeks have passed and I still find it hard to answer people who ask if I am OK. Or when people who see me pass on their condolences, I don't know what to say. How to act - because grief is still a big part of my day right now. I don't know how many times I have gone to call my mum and ask for advice and to have a chin wag. I miss hearing her voice, her reassurance that everything will be OK. Her warmth in the way she knew what I needed to hear. Not being able to walk into her house and see her sitting there.
Facebook holds the most hardest parts, because occasionally a memory will pop up, and her name appears. Sometimes I smile, sometimes I just want to remove the memory so I can't feel the pain. I am not ready to remove the account, but know I need to. It's selfish of me to keep her on there. As for her contact in my phone - that one I don't know how long it will remain.
_______________________
The past few weeks I have really struggled to identify with myself in this world. Who I am, where I want to be and where I want to go. I have always struggled to find my groove and find my love and passion. And this is where I would call my mum and ask for that advice and because I can't do that, I am forever in my brain churning thoughts and over thinking every little process in my life.
I don't know what I want to do anymore!!!!!
I don't know who I am besides a mum and wife.
I have lost my passion for everything and my drive to get there. I thought I knew what I wanted, but I don't think I ever truly did. I think I wanted what I wanted because I thought that was the only way I could be happy. But realising and being reminded with the way I was raised I was only on that path to keep up with the pretense. I don't want a lavish lifestyle and the fancy things. I don't know why I ever thought I did! I certainly wasn't raised that way and I am certainly not raising my children to be like that, so why do I feel the pull to want and need things.
I always thought a career would bring me happiness. Wanting a career is only making me stressed and making me stressed isn't making me the mum I want to be! I want to be like my mum. A mum who hardly gave a shit and was the most stress free woman I had ever met.
I want to find a job I love! A job where I can come home and still be me and let my kids see their mum happy. I haven't been happy for a very long time and that's because I am striving for a future I just won't see.
__________________________
Grief is still consuming me and how I feel and that is OK. Grief acts differently for all of us.
Grief is also making me question who I am. Not only as a person but as a Mum.
