I started writing another blog just before - but wasn't feeling it after starting to type it. And I think that's because I need to get out what I have been feeling since reading a few books.
So a friend suggested I read a few books by the Author Colleen Hoover. It's not the first time this friend has suggested a book/author so I trusted her judgement on this. And I am so glad that I read this amazing woman's work. I am not normally a romance kind of girl - well, I am but the past romance books I read were a little kinky (no not that 50 shades of grey crap, a more depth and story telling kinky romance). But these books, each one I read, or should say devoured the more I connected with each story. The age of the characters are younger than me, but the way she writes and portrays I feel I am glimpsing back into my past and seeing my future all in a few thousand words.
The latest book I read "All your Perfects" was about a marriage going through a bad patch. It deals with infidelity, infertility and love. You may remember in one of my original blogs I wrote about how I suffered a few miscarriages before conceiving my first child. So this book in a way hit home a bit during those tough few months of our married life.
And this is why I am writing this blog, maybe it's more of a letter to my husband...and in depth into a marriage many people would assume is always happy. And guess what, marriage isn't all roses, marriage is bloody HARD WORK. Marriage isn't about calling it quits - marriage is about falling in and out of love all the time. And one quote in the book that holds strong is that (and I may get this slightly wrong LOL) "One of us may give up on the other one at any time, but as long as we don't give up together at the same time"... something about this made me click in my current 13 year marriage. We have had our ups and downs, our yelling arguments, times where I didn't even like my husband. But if I look back on it now.... all those times I gave up on my husband, he never once gave up on loving me. And I guess, it could be said the same for him.
So here goes....an open letter to my husband. A chance for him to read this and hopefully respond ;) and a chance for those to realise - marriage isn't always pretty or nice.
Dear....
We met during a time online dating was taboo - it was when you dated people you pashed at a nightclub or met through friends. Meeting someone off the Internet was considered dangerous. Oh how times have changed. You probably wouldn't of liked me during my high school years and quite frankly I probably would've found a way to bypass you. See I went for the notorious bad boy - I guess it was my way of breaking free of all bullying that I had received, I didn't quite care about mys self worth before you.
A few months before meeting you, I had just broken up with a guy I thought I would marry. I have always been the type to love hard, strong and wear it on my sleeve. But he broke not only my heart, but the way I loved back.
On March 9th 2001 we met, secretly I believe at the Flinder's Street Station under the clocks. In my typical bogon style I was loud the first time you met me. Cracking jokes to hide my insecurities and I guess one of the first ones was the pick up sticks comment near the Art's Centre. I still do remember that comment. We walked around the city that day, I can't remember exactly where but I do remember when you held my hand for the first time. It was on the way to Queen Vic Market. I also remember sitting next to you at Flagstaff gardens just talking... and I remember when you had to leave me at the station to pick up your brother from school. I remember the quick peck on the lips.
I do remember how it made me feel - happy.
I do remember that I called my then best friend and told her of my excitement.
What I didn't think would happen next - was falling in love with you so quickly...
So I was new to this whole "dating" scene. I had never really dated anyone that made me nervous to talk with or about. My parents weren't too happy with the prospect of online dating. I had in the past abused their trust when it came to boys. I was 17 and you were 18, closer to 19. I had just started my baking apprenticeship and I guess mum was worried I would play boy over career. But I wasn't about to do that. We took things pretty slowly - but I do want to talk about our first "date" that was I guess official. You even had to meet my parents before we could go on this - for that I liked you a little bit more. Books or magazines tell you boys hate meeting parents and considering you did this on our 2nd official date meant a lot to me. My parents couldn't work you out, you were quiet and polite. Didn't give much away and honestly I think that shocked them. Their daughter was dating someone they weren't used to.
That day we went out for lunch, nothing spectacular it was KFC LOL - but we took it over to a park I wanted to show you because I just wanted to talk and get to know you a bit more. This was the first time you really kissed me - first time I had been kissed and got that feeling in the pit of your stomach. That feeling that you read about in all those romance books. It's where you separate for air but feel lonely. It's probably the first time I have ever told you, let alone a blog how it made me feel. It was the first time I felt safe.
You see, the guy before you never made me feel like I was 1st in his life even after 6 months. He promised me the world and even though I was young, like I said I wore that heart on my sleeve. And one of his kisses ended with him telling or more pushing me away and saying he needed to break up with me. He turned something that was special - into something that tortured my soul and heart. I don't think that part ever healed...
But in that one kiss you healed a fractured part of my heart - it wasn't fully healed it would take years even a decade to do that (but you don't know this right now).
Things progressed with us, fast... I wasn't scared or maybe I was I don't know. We both had said I love you within 3 months of our relationship. At this point, I can honestly say you probably meant it more than me. But please don't think that's something that you should worry about. Again you had only healed a fraction of my heart, and I still had this gaping big hole that needed mending. It wasn't just the previous boyfriend who had hurt me, it was many before that. It's not something I can easily talk about on a blog but you know what it was that happened to me, and those close to me also know. It's that part of me that will never be mended and that part of me that will always be broken and dark. And that is no reflection of the love we share now. It was at this point I started to (attempt) to push you away. Saying that I needed to slow things down. I never told you this and you've probably forgotten, but I am glad at this point you didn't give up on US. This is why I am writing this open letter. The soul purpose - it's when YOU didn't back away or give up. I may of started to, but you saw something, felt something and made sure it didn't go away. This is another part of my heart that you healed.
We finally decided to move in together - I can't remember what year but we had been dating for 2 years. We were comfortable in our relationship and you hadn't run away from someone who did shift work. We rented - and people always bang on about rent money is dead money. But I am glad we did that. It was our trial together. They say you don't know someone until you really move in with them. And here you learnt all about me... And I learnt all about you. During these three years 2001 - 2004 we had our ups and downs, our battles and our fights. But again, when I was giving up YOU weren't. There you were, still loving me even though my flaws tried to push you away.
On April 4th 2004, you proposed to me. Even though I had been bugging you for months to propose and even I did on leap day LOL you held out. I give you shit ALL the time for this LOL, and you know the story I am about to tell the world... At 9pm (ish) just before I was about to go to bed for an early start you got down on one knee and proposed while I was on the couch, in my pj's... It wasn't romantic it wasn't this big thing...
And here's the tag line - It was US - I may give you shit but you knew us and you knew me better than anyone. I didn't want a big deal - I never have! I still don't! Our relationship has always been about what WE want. And here we were this 21 and 20 year old, living in a house that had an outdoor dunny, 2 doors from my parents, renting and now engaged...
That black hole in my heart.... just got a bit smaller...
So, I have decided to do this in parts *wink* I am cruel like that.
If you want more, you're just going to have to wait !
