So R U OK day came around again the other day and my facebook memories showed that I had shared that question the past couple of years.
This year was the first time I didn't share it. And the reason why... Because it shouldn't be one day people start pretending they care.
And that's the truth... And most people would lie and say they're OK.
So I'm going to tell you the truth... No I'm not OK.
I wake up and don't want to get out of bed
I wake up tired all the time because of countless medical shit going on
I'm always exhausted and drained
I hate housework
I hate sitting down
I hate exercise
I hate cooking
I hate how I look and feel most of the day and night... I feel unattractive to my own husband.
I'm feeling lost right now... I don't know where I want to be in life or who I want to be. I feel I'm in a job where I bust my arse for people who don't really care. I come home exhausted and breathless but I need to work for my sanity. But I'm not happy with what I'm doing.
I don't regret leaving school early and starting my career as I wouldn't be where I am today. I do regret getting to 34 and not doing anything I thoroughly enjoy.
Because of this I'm not OK... because everyday I wake up feeling miserable in my life. And yes I'm grateful I have 3 children... But this feeling isn't about them or what I have. It's what I don't have... I don't have the option to see them play sport, get awards, have late nights with the Husband on the couch. Because by 9pm on nights I don't work I'm asleep on the couch.
Everyday I feel more and more isolated because I'm trapped here... Trapped in a hole that's getting deeper and deeper.
